What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of not being myself. I know that sounds funny but i am afraid that i will change to make someone else's life easier. I try to stand for what i believe in -even when its not the popular answer-but still feel like i have to cave to please those around me.

These last weeks have made me feel like i an failing at everything, specifically relationships in my life. My boyfriend doesn't feel like he sees me just the two of us enough because sometimes my attention is divided, my friends feel like they never see me unless i am with said boyfriend. A friend is dating a guy i have issues with, and the more I say the less she hears "i love and care about you!" and hears "You aren't doing things my way so its wrong!". Its a balancing act that i am failing at.

I hope I am not a spectacular failure. But more and more i feel like i am just that.

Sarah Markley spoke a few months ago about how she hopes she is not spectacularly failing. I know where she is coming from. I get how she was letting fear run her life. my nature I want to please people but by nature i also want control. Its not an easy personality to deal with and i don't help make it any easier.

I am afraid of losing control and those I love. But I cannot have both.

These last few weeks have taught me a lot and I only know one place to turn for help. I need to step back and put myself second to the Almighty. I need to step back from loved ones and let them make their own decisions and just be there to pick up the pieces i hope and pray never come. I need to pick up my own pieces before i can help anyone else with theirs. And "I told you so"'s can no longer exist.

May God help me and show me the way. I need surrender myself and give up control. God help me.

The man in my life

The men in our lives are wonderful. All of them in their own ways. We learn something every time they enter and exit out lives. And more often than not that is their purpose in our lives, to teach us something. As my sister would call it, we gush about that one man in our lives, the one that makes us feel special, our heart skip a beat and our palms all sweaty. We talk about it with our girlfriends and even our guy friends.

There is however one man that is often overlooked:

DAD

In my life my dad s the only man in the house. He helped to raise three girls, somewhat uncharted territory for a man who had 3 brothers and whose sisters were older than he. We were not tomboys and playing house and babies were our forte. But he did it, he loved us, sacrificed, and worked to have a relationship with us.

One of my favourite memories of the 2 of us is last year after i moved away to go to school and they came up for the weekend to visit and to see the football game. I was putting food that my mom brought me (sixth love language... but that is another story) in the freezer and as i was still half in the freezer, my dad came up behind me and gave me this huge hug! That little simple impulsive gesture showed me how much he cared.

I won't say the three of us - especially me - made it super easy on him, we were hard to get along we in our teenage years. Dad and I hardly ever say eye to eye (just ask him about teaching me to drive-SCARY). Even now we have our differences but I know that he loves me still and I love him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't perfect but neither am I, the only perfect one is God, the Father.

As I embark on a new journey in life, I decided today that I needed to gush about my dad. He is a wonderful man of God and has taught me so much in life. Thank you for always being there.