Expectaions

Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe i shouldn't have any and then i wouldn't be let down. Then again, I don't agree with that. I watched a kind of terrible movie a few months ago but the moral was true. We have to have expectations and we are supposed to work on living up to them because if not we ware a lazy society where everything is good enough.

I don't want good enough, I want spectacular.

I need to hope that there is something more and better and that it can be reached. I need to believe that. I need to hope for peace and joy. I need to love more and hold onto less.

I wish it were as easy as it sounds.

You are worth the Wait

Excerpt from Sarah Markley's blog post today.

Remember today that you cost a lot. In fact, you’ve been anticipated. You’ve been expected and asked for. You have been sought after. Christ gave His life for you and it was very costly. It cost Him everything. But it was worth it.

He has waited for you, tip-toed to watch you and paid all that He had for you.

And because He’s done that, He has given you unspeakable value and worth. He will never be bored with the beauty that is you.

You, my friend, are worth waiting for.

On my own, Even less in control over my life.

So I have moved out of my house and landed a full time position at the job I love! God has given me everything i have asked for in spades. I have been blessed with an amazing love and just as amazing friends. We are all moving though different experiences in our life but we are all there to support each other in the good and bad in our lives. I am lokoing at my relationship with God and knowing I need guidance and instead of just shrugging it off I am taking the initiative to do something about it-this is growth.

Life couldn't get any better. Or could it?
I am fighting with my boyfriend's brother and girlfriend and even if i now know that a resolution will not come until they are ready to deal with us and that the lack of a resolution is not my fault- its hard to let go and let God.
Its hard knowing that there is a situation that needs repair and there is nothing i can do about it - that its not my place to even try. Sometimes all we can do is pray.

As simple as that seems as an answer it is the hardest one to act on. It feels like I are doing nothing when really I am doing everything that is important. It sometimes seems like I don't know where to start or what do ask for or thank Him for. Everything seems a little vague. Maybe sometimes all He wants is us to contemplate this in is presence, to sit there and simply adore all that He is and He had done.

I think i jut need some time with him. Uninterrupted, no time lines. I need to learn to listen.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of not being myself. I know that sounds funny but i am afraid that i will change to make someone else's life easier. I try to stand for what i believe in -even when its not the popular answer-but still feel like i have to cave to please those around me.

These last weeks have made me feel like i an failing at everything, specifically relationships in my life. My boyfriend doesn't feel like he sees me just the two of us enough because sometimes my attention is divided, my friends feel like they never see me unless i am with said boyfriend. A friend is dating a guy i have issues with, and the more I say the less she hears "i love and care about you!" and hears "You aren't doing things my way so its wrong!". Its a balancing act that i am failing at.

I hope I am not a spectacular failure. But more and more i feel like i am just that.

Sarah Markley spoke a few months ago about how she hopes she is not spectacularly failing. I know where she is coming from. I get how she was letting fear run her life. my nature I want to please people but by nature i also want control. Its not an easy personality to deal with and i don't help make it any easier.

I am afraid of losing control and those I love. But I cannot have both.

These last few weeks have taught me a lot and I only know one place to turn for help. I need to step back and put myself second to the Almighty. I need to step back from loved ones and let them make their own decisions and just be there to pick up the pieces i hope and pray never come. I need to pick up my own pieces before i can help anyone else with theirs. And "I told you so"'s can no longer exist.

May God help me and show me the way. I need surrender myself and give up control. God help me.

TACOS!!!

http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen-blog/

This blog post is making me hungry.

Let's make tacos this weekend, k?

Assisi

Well its been a while since i posted anything and that would be because my life has taken a dramatic twist. Okay so its not so dramatic and anyone that knows me will tell you that its was about damn time.

A wonderful, God filled man walked in to my life months ago and took me by surprise. Not exactly who I pictured myself with but it God knows what is best for me-always has, always will

So before Romi went home last night we prayed the rosary and as we were praying I saw the box that has my rosary for Italy in it and I really wanted to show it to him.

This is a rosary that Ash brought me in grade 12 when she went to Italy though school. She is not religious at all but she knew that I was so she found a really pretty blue one in Assisi for me. Its one of my favourite things! Anyways when she gave it to me, I had this idea that since it was blue that at my wedding it would be wrapped in/around my bouquet and would be my something blue at the wedding. (I know I am very funny).

Anyways so I showed him this and told him that this what my plan-the first guy I have ever told this to- and he was like, “that really cool did you know that St. Francis of Assisi is my patron saint?”

The medallion in the rosary is St. Francis of Assisi?!?!?!?! What a God moment!

I think this is adorable and is strangely comforting... God is really
working in/confirming/affirming this relationship and it is a wonderful gift.

Fear

Fear freezes us and makes us realize things that we cannot realize when we are rushing around and trying to take control.

One of my very intelligent friends told me that today. Its sometimes the the hardest thing to do is give up control but eventually have to let go and let God.

Jesus I trust in you!