Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid of not being myself. I know that sounds funny but i am afraid that i will change to make someone else's life easier. I try to stand for what i believe in -even when its not the popular answer-but still feel like i have to cave to please those around me.

These last weeks have made me feel like i an failing at everything, specifically relationships in my life. My boyfriend doesn't feel like he sees me just the two of us enough because sometimes my attention is divided, my friends feel like they never see me unless i am with said boyfriend. A friend is dating a guy i have issues with, and the more I say the less she hears "i love and care about you!" and hears "You aren't doing things my way so its wrong!". Its a balancing act that i am failing at.

I hope I am not a spectacular failure. But more and more i feel like i am just that.

Sarah Markley spoke a few months ago about how she hopes she is not spectacularly failing. I know where she is coming from. I get how she was letting fear run her life. my nature I want to please people but by nature i also want control. Its not an easy personality to deal with and i don't help make it any easier.

I am afraid of losing control and those I love. But I cannot have both.

These last few weeks have taught me a lot and I only know one place to turn for help. I need to step back and put myself second to the Almighty. I need to step back from loved ones and let them make their own decisions and just be there to pick up the pieces i hope and pray never come. I need to pick up my own pieces before i can help anyone else with theirs. And "I told you so"'s can no longer exist.

May God help me and show me the way. I need surrender myself and give up control. God help me.